As most of my longtime readers know, I like T-shirts. Specifically, offensive T-shirts, but T-shirts in general. I ordered a new one today. This one. I intend to wear it at least one day at the upcoming Gun Blogger's Rendezvous.
Here's the acknowledgement email I just received:
Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.I hope it really is as fun to work there as it appears.
I'd like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers™, but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.
Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d'etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions - that person being me.
While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is the Despair, Inc. Blog.
Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Relentless Pursuit of Dejection. Do not the weekly whinings of this anonymous Peon is in the Marketing Department inspire YOU to new lows?
"But I'm unstable enough as it is- why would I want to read the grousings of some other malcontent who is unhappy with his job?", you might ask.
Because that very malcontent is also providing attentive Despair customers with rare, super-steep discounts, exclusive products, and occasionally an amusing slice of behind-the-scenes life at Despair. (Or so I'm told - I can't be bothered to read that junk...)
At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our company.
In anticipation of your next question- "How can I subject myself to even further marketing attempts by Despair?" Well, you're in luck! Because Despair offers several additional opportunities to be on the receiving end on a steady stream of angst wrapped inside advertisements and covered in coupons. Those willing to endure the agony of it all will find themselves rewarded often with savings and freebies beyond belief.
The Wailing List - (The Official E-Mail Newsletter of Despair)
The Wailing List Twitter Feed (An Unofficial Experiment by a Marketing Peon in the Limits of Your Endurance- with an occasional coupon code thrown in...)
Alas- if you find that even daily contact from the forces of Despair Marketing personnel is simply not enough to satisfy your needs, well... Seriously? You might need a hobby... The only people subjected to more frequent abuse at our hands are our employees- and take it from us, there is such a thing as too much of a bad thing...
If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our Troubled Ticketing system.
We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering.
It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.
Sincerely not really writing you this email,
Founder & COO,