I Feel Personally Attacked by this Cartoon

 

One of the Funniest Stories I've Ever Heard

Slightly scatalogical. You've been warned.

This is not my story. If it had been, I'm not sure I'd be telling it.

I had a dinner date at a very fancy restaurant. About halfway through the meal, my body informed me that I needed to make a bathroom run - quick. I excused myself and made a beeline for the Men's Room at not quite a sprint, but I was moving with determination.

As I entered, I rapidly surveyed the space: Double vanity, two urinals, and two toilets stalls. No other customer. Unbuckling my belt as I quickly strode to the nearest stall, I managed to get my pants and underwear around my ankles and sat down just as I ripped off a ten-second porcelain-shattering wet fart. I even impressed myself. But as the echoes faded, I heard the bathroom door shut. Someone else had entered in the middle of my performance.

I was mortified. A couple of seconds of silence ensued, then I heard the door on the stall next to mine close, and a voice akin to a movie announcers reverberated off the tiled walls:
"Player Two Has Entered the Game."

OMFG Why Didn't This Go Viral?

Rachel Maddow Will Know What to Do

ANOTHER recaptioning of the Hitler scene from "Downfall" Give it a watch.

A Blast from the Past

From July 4, 2012, Walter Russell Mead's re-imagining of the "woke" Declaration of (In)Dependence:

The unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen Post-Colonial, Multi-Racial Societes of North America

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to strengthen the political bands which have connected them with the Global Community, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the cooperative and deferential station which a careful review of the relevant peer reviewed literature suggests is most appropriate for long term win-win outcomes, a decent and rigorously equal respect to the opinions of woman- and man- and transkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the ever deeper union.

We hold these views to be consistent with the evolving cultural consensus, that all humans are equally obliged to the performance of certain Duties, that among these are the Participation in the Struggle against Racism, Economic Injustice, Genetically Modified Organisms, Homophobia, Nationalism and the Excessive Emission of Carbon Dioxide and Other Greenhouse Gasses. That to secure the performance of these Duties, Governments are instituted among humans, deriving their just powers from the considered Opinions of the Educated Classes, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Duty of the Enlightened and Credentialed Guardians of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the Unquestioning Performance of their Duties by the Less Enlightened Members of the Public. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Change cannot come too quickly to suit the Convenience and the Predilections of an Enlightened Minority; Governments long established should be changed the Moment a Sufficient Number of Well Regarded Contributors to the New York Review of Books have determined that such Change is Morally Incumbent; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that intellectuals who have never run anything in their lives are the Fittest of all Living People to remedy virtually any evil by abolishing the forms of Government, Laws and Customs of Society to which the brutish and unreflective Common People are accustomed. And when a long train of abuses and usurpations pursuing invariably the same Failed Dogmas of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy evinces a design to allow said Common People to evade all obligations to the Global Community, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide New and Expanded Regulations for the future better restriction of the Lower Orders as they deem Meet for the Purpose.

This Kicked Over My Gigglebox

Need a Laugh? Pranking Spammers.

This is hysterical:


This man is my hero.

I am REALLY Beginning to Appreciate This

The .25ACP and Defending Your Life

The third most popular piece on TSM is a reprint of an old Usenet post, written by a Florida pawnbroker who went by the handle Flimflam.  It's the story of how he was attacked in his store one day and had to defend himself from a sword-wielding nutcase.  He wasn't wearing his fully-loaded Glock, the backup .38 in his office was disassembled for cleaning, but while standing with a blade jammed through his abdomen he finally remembered the tiny Beretta .25 in his back pocket and it saved his life.

Well, yesterday someone emailed me a similar story of how a .25 saved another life:

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

The .25ACP. It ain't much, but it beats harsh language!

I Wonder What the Earworm from This Would Be?

Seen at the Book of Face, had to share:

Frozen 2:  Lethal Ice

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Eoestre!

I Like the Cut of Her Hijab!

She's probably going to get stoned later.

(Stolen from Wirecutter.)

The Husband Store

My dad sent me this one, and I had to share.

One day a woman happens upon the store and enters the ground floor.  She is met by a large sign that says "All the men on this floor have jobs."

"Wow," she thinks, "that's a good thing, but hardly sufficient to make them marriage material." So she gets on the elevator and goes to the second floor.  On this floor she is greeted by a sign that says, "On this floor all the men have jobs and like kids." 


"That's great, but I have to wonder what's on the next floor!" so on she goes.

The sign on the third floor says "On this floor all the men have jobs, like kids and help with housework."  She doesn't even bother stepping off the elevator - on to the fourth floor.

"On this floor all the men have jobs, like kids, help with housework and are devastatingly handsome."  On to floor five!

"On this floor all the men have jobs, like kids, help with the housework, are devastatingly handsome and romantic."

You know what happens next.

When the elevator doors open on the sixth floor, there is only one light lit, the one that illuminates the sign.  THIS sign says, "You are shopper 33,695,427 to reach this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor serves to illustrate that no matter what, no woman can be pleased.  Thank you for confirming our hypothesis."



Now across the street, the same man built a Wife Store.  Same six floor design, same rules.  On the first floor the sign says "All the women on this floor love sex."  On the second floor the sign says "All the women on this floor love sex and have money."

No one has ever visited floors 3 through 6.

Quote of the Day - Southern Edition

So I spent some time earlier this week at a gold mine under construction in South Carolina.  Part of that time was spent in "site specific" safety training, said training being administered by the head of site security.

Now, I grew up in the South, my parents are from Appalachian coal country, so I've heard a few "Southerinisms" in my time, but this one:

"Some folks in this county would steal the yeast from a biscuit without touchin' the crust."

This one was new.

Nerd Humor

This made me laugh out loud - literally: The United Federation of "hold my beer, I got this". From the link, the part that kicked my gigglebox completely over (edited for clarity):

Klingons: "Okay, we don't get it."

Vulcan Science Academy: "Get what?"

Klingons: "You Vulcans are a bunch of stuffy prisses, but you're also tougher, stronger and smarter than humans in every single way. Why do you let them run your Federation?"

VSA: "Look, this is a species where if you give them two warp cores they don't do experiments on one and save the other for if the first one blows up. This is a species where if you give them two warp cores, they will ask for a third one, immediately plug all three into each other, punch a hole into an alternate universe where humans subscribe to an even more destructive ideological system, fight everyone in it because they're offended by that, steal their warp cores, plug those together, punch their way back here, then try to turn a nearby sun into a torus because that was what their initial scientific experiment was for and they didn't want to waste a trip.

"They did that last week. We have the write-up right here. It's getting published in about six hundred scientific journals across two hundred disciplines because of how many established theories their ridiculous little expedition has just called into question. Also, they did turn that sun into a torus, and no one actually knows how.

"This is why we let them do whatever the hell they want."

Klingons: "...Can we be part of your Federation?"

Hat's off to "roachpatrol," the author of that bit.  That's funny right there, I don't care who you are... And the rest of the thread is as well.  Especially:

There is a phrase in Vulcan for "the particular moment when you understand what the word 'fuck' is for."

Why Comedians Don't Make Jokes About Hillary

From Jeff Dunham:


If he dies in a mysterious helicopter crash (he flys 'em), you'll know why!

World's Best Blog Post is Ten Years Old

Oh my god.  It's TEN YEARS OLD.

If you're unfamiliar with it, IMNSHO this blog post at Unqualified Offerings - and the accompanying comment thread - is the best thing EVAR in the Blogosphere - Blog.

Warning, don't start reading this if you have to get up early tomorrow.  The comment thread is 1,104 posts long.

And it's not the best just because my comment ended the thread, either. 

Pantsuits

OK, this one was new to me.  Not exactly the same scene from the film Downfall we're used to seeing:

And Now for Something Completely Different...

SF blending:



I like the cut of this man's jib!