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I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more), tossed the ‘Don't Tread on Me’ flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I gave the pit bull to my mother-in-law and stored my AR-15. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the wimpy Neighborhood Watch.

Instead of all that silly stuff I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBay) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family. When we shop or travel everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Safe at last!

Is America getting greater every day or what?

Kinda reminds me of the old story where a guy is woken by his wife who says that she hears a noise. Turns out, there are a couple of people outside in his tool shed ripping him off. He dials 911 and tells the dispatcher that his tool shed is being burgled as they speak. The dispatcher tells him that they can't have a patrol car there in less than 45 minutes. "Forty-five minutes! They'll be long gone by then!" he exclaims. "Never mind, I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later he dials 911 again, and gets the same dispatcher. "You don't need to send a patrol car anymore, but you do need to send an ambulance. I shot those guys."

Three minutes later a patrol car comes screaming to a halt in the driveway and the burglars are apprehended as they come scrambling out of the shed.

One irate cop accosts the homeowner: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" The homeowner responded, "I thought you couldn't get here in less than 45 minutes!"